Why I'm (Still) Writing About Introversion

Last week I ran across this article several times on facebook, and you should totally read it. It's about some of the problems that extroverts face, and it has a lot of points that introverts may not have previously considered. For example, I hadn't realized that while I can't stand it when people assume that I'm sad all the time, many extroverts can't stand the pressure to act happy all the time. And the fact that many people perceive extroverts as shallow is really unfair. An extrovert can contemplate deep subjects. And I can look like I'm deep in thought while remembering that I'm out of shampoo. So yes, do read that article and others like it. If you don't know much about the extroverted personality, go ahead and do some research on it and its unique set of challenges. While you're at it, look up ambiversion too, because those guys aren't super represented right now. (Ambiverts fall somewhere in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum.)

But I do have to admit that there was something about the piece that bothered me. Not the list itself. No, that list needs to be read, shared, and discussed. That list is important. But the opening paragraph made me feel uneasy.

Here it is:

Over the past few years I’ve noticed a growing number of articles exclaiming, “How To Take Care of An Introvert” or “10 Things Everyone Should Understand About Introverts” and while I have no real problem with introverts and introversion, my issue is with the fact that people of the internet seem to have romanticized introversion in a way that turns any possible social impediments a person might have into desirable quirky traits. Not only this, but extroverts are suddenly the bad guys for not understanding introverts or mistreating introverts, etc, etc. As a self-proclaimed extrovert, I’m pretty sick and tired of people assuming that introverts are the only people who have got it hard. Really, seriously? Are we really going to play this game? Now you look here, mister. Extroverts may not seem as delicate or may not seem as complex and diverse, but extroverts have a whole different category of BS they have to deal with too. It’s not easy out there for anyone.

And on facebook, I've seen a certain level of annoyance over the posts about introverts. Now perhaps I feel a little uneasy simply because I'm one of the ones writing those posts. But I honestly think it goes deeper than that. 

Specifically, the part that claims that we have "romanticized" introversion and the part that equates my personality with "possible social impediments" really bother me. Introversion isn't about social impediments, and this paragraph reveals that our culture still doesn't quite understand what introversion is. (Introverts are people who have the most energy when they are by themselves or in small groups. Extroverts are people who have the most energy when they are with larger groups.) 

So yes, we do talk about introversion a lot. I talk about introversion a lot. But because of all of the annoyance and irritation over these posts that I have seen others express, I thought that I might take a moment to explain myself. 

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Please understand that I'm not saying that extroverts shouldn't write these posts, that they shouldn't express examples of their own difficulties. On the contrary. I ask that you please keep writing them, because honestly, as an introvert, I may not always understand some misconceptions that you continue to face. I am, however, going to address the sentiment of annoyance and (occasionally) outright hostility that I've seen against all the posts about introversion, and I do want to explain why we are still, after all of this time, writing about it. 

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So why do introverts suddenly have such a big voice on the internet? Why are we still talking about it? 

I'm not sure how exactly this whole thing got started, but I think we can at least partly thank/blame Susan Cain for this. She wrote a really fantastic book called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. And while a few other authors have written about the subject (I have a stack of those books on my shelf right now), Susan Cain's book gained a significant amount of popularity. And as a result, introverts have taken on a new level of interest in their own personalities and have exhibited a desire to talk about it more publicly than they have in the past. 

Now, while I do have to acknowledge that extroverts can be pretty fantastic ("No, you don't get it. Some of my best friends are extroverts, okay?"), and I absolutely understand that each personality type has its own list of difficulties, I'm not going to stop writing about introversion.  

Because while extroverts do have struggles, the fact is that extroversion is seen as normal. It's seen a sign of mental health while its opposite is seen as a sign of neuroticism (See the OCEAN personality test). I'm not exaggerating, either. Introversion was literally almost included in the DSM as a sign of a mental disorder. A mental disorder. This was in 2010, by the way. We define introversion by its lack of extroverted traits and not the other way around.  We assume that extroverts make better leaders than introverts. Extroversion is the default. Any deviation from the default is odd. Introversion is often seen as a defect. Introverts are told, sometimes even directly, that they must change their personalities. 

Lexus thinks that introversion is a pathology that needs a cure. 

And sometimes people of faith assume that God Himself is an extrovert. From this sermon about Christmas.

According to Richard Haverson, just by virtue of my being introvert, I am a failure as a Christian. How do you think this makes me feel?

Speaking of faith and introversion, the aforementioned book by Susan Cain points out that there is an extroverted bias in evangelical Christianity. She quotes a certain evangelical requirement for church leadership:

Like HBS, evangelical churches often make extroversion a prerequisite for leadership, sometimes explicitly. "The priest must be...an extrovert who enthusiastically engages members and newcomers, a team player," reads an ad for a position as an associate rector of a 1,400-member parish. A senior priest at another church confesses online that he has advised parishes recruiting a new rector to ask what his or her Myers-Briggs score is. "If the first letter isn't an E [for extrovert]," he tells them, "think twice...I'm sure our Lord was [an extrovert]." 

Wait, how is that okay? Why do these particular Christians think that it's perfectly fine to discriminate in such a way against introverts? How do you think people would have reacted if they had advertised for the opposite?

This whole "introversion as an illness" trope exists everywhere.  Even Google defines introversion as "a shy, reticent person" when in fact, one can be an outgoing introvert. My psychology textbook in college went so far as to claim that introverts don't like fun. My psychology. Textbook. As in a vetted academic text that was edited several times before publication. That is not okay. Sigmund Freud himself decided that introversion is a prelude to narcissism. He thought that introversion was the result of sexual repression because he's Freud and so of course he did. And this nonsense is everywhere. 

The structure of American offices? Built for extroverts.
Our entire educational system? Built for extroverts.
Television? Idealizes the extrovert personality.
The job market? Favors extroverts.

So take just a minute to step into an introvert's shoes. You have been told (sometimes literally) throughout your entire life that you will be a better person if you just acted more extroverted. You have been seen as a project or a trophy. Your personality, part of the very essence of who you are, has been de-emphasized and sometimes demonized. Psychology textbooks and dictionaries have said that there is something wrong with you. You live in a world that just is not built for you. You've been made to feel that you are not normal. You have been called selfish for turning down social engagements because you needed time to recharge.

And then somebody writes a book that makes you sigh in relief. Somebody else publishes an article that expresses everything you've been going through for years. Suddenly, you realize that you are, in fact, normal. You see that you are not strange and that at least a third of the population is experiencing the same thing that you are. You can talk to other people about this! Not only are you allowed to acknowledge that your personality is not a defect, you are now even allowed to like your personality. You have the chance to actually celebrate the parts of you that people have tried to make you hide for so long. Wouldn't you hold on to that chance for dear life? Wouldn't you relish that newfound freedom? Wouldn't you celebrate?

I'm going to give a somewhat clumsy comparison. When I was in eighth grade I realized that all of the other girls my age were straightening their hair. Straight hair was the norm. Curls and waves had to be dealt with and taken away. In college I decided that I actually liked my curls and that I wasn't going to straighten them anymore. Does that mean that I have some sort of bias against straight hair? Of course not! It just means that I appreciated this aspect of myself. That's all. It's also like when I say that I'm proud to be a woman. Does that mean I have something against men? Nope.

When we write posts about introverts and introversion, when we dedicate pinterest boards to the subject, when we talk about it on tumblr or share it on facebook, we are not trying to attack extroverts, claim superiority, or say that introverts are the only ones with problems. No, we are just trying to celebrate our newfound freedom to be proud of or even okay with our own personalities. It's a freedom that we didn't have for a very, very long time. 

So, to my dear extroverts and ambiverts: I'm listening. I want to know what you are going through. I want to hear about the biases that have been used against you. I want to understand the times when people have given you problems because of your personalities. Please tell me. Blog about it. Tweet about it. Share it on facebook. Talk to me about it face to face. Understand that I appreciate you for exactly who you are. But please, please try to understand why I have to keep writing about introversion as well.

Likewise, the extroverts in my life 

have significantly contribute to my healing...

Extroverts who have learned how to gently 

draw out the opinions of introverts 

and who give us the space to think quietly

are truly God's grace to us. 

-Adam S. McHugh-  

I Am Not Your Project

"I am so glad," I've heard more than one friend say, "that I got you to come out of your shell." 

That bothers me. It really does. Maybe you think it shouldn't because if I'm out of my "shell", that's obviously a good thing, right? Well, yes...sort of. 

If you draw energy from being around other people, then you may not realize that your quiet friends think of this "shell" you refer to differently than you think of it. When well-meaning people tell me to come out of my shell, they're thinking that I'm using it out of fear, that I need a place to hide from the scary world, that I'm shy, that this shell is oppressing me and I would abandon it forever if only one of my more talkative friends would just save me from it once and for all. 

But that's not it. In reality, the "shell" you think of is just a place for me to regain energy when I'm drained. It's just me speaking softly while we gain each other's trust. That's all. 

And for that matter, I was going to come out of my shell with or without your help. Now, don't take that the wrong way. Your friendship is still very important to me. If you are my friend, I treasure you, and just as you will likely need my help at some point, I will also need yours. But I don't need rescue from my own personality. I don't need you to make me more extroverted. But maybe that's what it looked like on the surface. At the beginning of our friendship, maybe I was quieter than most. Over the course of getting to know you, I probably didn't share too much. And then suddenly there was a breakthrough. I started talking more. I started sharing more personal things. I became louder. I felt like part of the group and joined in the silliness...

...and that was going to happen no matter who was there. I don't come out of my shell because you decided that you were going to make me do it. I came out of my shell because I got used to the situation. And that was bound to happen at one point or another. And it'll happen again. I'll be in a completely different group of people, and the whole cycle will repeat itself. And there's not a thing wrong with that. So perhaps it ins't the emphasis on coming out of my shell that really bothers me. It irks me a little bit when people bring it up, but maybe that has more to do with the face that it's a cliche. No, where it gets really problematic is when you bring the I into it. I brought you out of your shell. Of course, if you see me hovering awkwardly at the edges of a party and you do walk up to talk to me, I will appreciate that immensely. If you take the time to get to know me, you'll have a lifelong friend. But do not under any circumstances whatsoever pick the quiet kid out from the rest of the crowd and think, "I am going to get that person to come out of her shell." Once you've done that, you've stopped seeing me as a person. You're looking at me as a project, so that when I do, as I always will, come out of my shell, you will see that as your personal victory. I am not interested in being your project. I am interested in being your friend. My personality is not your prize. 

"Stop the madness for constant group work. Just stop it!"

I'm only posting this in my blog because facebook, for whatever reason, will not let me post the video directly.  But darn it, the world needs to see this!

"...because when it comes to creativity and to leadership, we need introverts doing what they do best."
-Susan Cain-

Things Your Introverted Friends Wish You Knew

Well, this isn't my usual advocacy post, unless of course you want to count it as advice for adopting introverted children, which you should totally do, by the way.  No, this post is just a result of something I've been thinking about for a long time.  Just before school ended for the semester, I got to hear a young man give a speech about his college experience.  He talked about a time in his life when things weren't going well for him.  At one point he said, "I became really introverted, and that's just not me."

I won't lie.  I was a bit offended.  Now, I did take a minute to look at the statement from his point of view.  I did think, "Oh, he didn't mean it that way.  He's not saying that introversion is a bad thing.  He's just saying that it was weird for him because that's not his personality type."  Even so, the statement rubbed me the wrong way, and after a few minutes of trying to figure out why, the answer hit me.  If I went up on stage and talked about my life's challenges, would you consider it odd if I said that I became really extroverted?  Would you consider my switch to extroversion a bad thing?  The fact is that this culture values extroversion much more than introversion.  Society considers introversion a problem that needs to be fixed, partly because not a lot of introverts want to spend the energy it takes to defend themselves.

To my dear extroverted friends and family members, please don't take this as an attack.  I love you all.  I love your personalities and wouldn't do a thing in the world to change the way that God made you.  I'm writing this because I fully get that introverts are more difficult to understand from the extrovert perspective.  There are fewer of us in existence, after all, and our brains are wired in a completely different way.  That's why I've made this list of things your introvert friends wish you knew.  Why didn't they tell you this themselves?  Because they're introverted.

1) Introversion is not a problem, and it is not your job to "fix" it.  Believe it or not, I actually like my personality, and I am not waiting for a good friend to "rescue" me from my "shell".  I know that your heart is in the right place, and I appreciate that you care about me, but please allow me to be introverted and respect the fact that my personality is a different type than yours.  

2) I get energy from different places than you.  You gain energy from being in large, loud groups of people.  I lose energy from being in large groups of people.  It doesn't mean that I don't love those people or enjoy their company, but if we've been out together all day, I will be much more tired than you.  I "recharge" by being alone or in small groups.  

3) Just because I'm not in the middle of the dance floor doesn't mean that I'm upset or that I'm not having fun.  I'm actually enjoying this one-on-one conversation I'm having.  

4) I am not shy.  I am quiet.  There is a huge difference.  

5) Please don't get offended if I don't join in on spontaneous plans.  I have nothing against you. Sometimes I'm up for the "hey, let's all go get ice cream right now!" plans, but at other times, I've already spent all of my energy, and I'd prefer things that are already planned ahead.  

6) I am just as fun-loving as you, but I might consider different things fun.  

7) If I'm put on the spot, my brain will immediately erase all useful information, which is particularly annoying in language classes.  It might take a minute for me to re-gather my thoughts and answer you.  It's the only part of being introverted that gets on my nerves.  

8) I'm sorry, but you're not helping me if you try to force me into the conversation (see #7).  I need time to observe a situation before I jump in.  

9) I don't like idle conversation.  If I have something important to say, I'll say it.  

10) The fastest way to get me to talk to you is to figure out what I'm passionate about.  One extroverted friend of mine pointed out that I have quite a few subjects that I'll talk about endlessly.  We called these subjects my "soap boxes".  Introverts don't like to speak just for the sake of speaking, but when you get us to talk about something we're passionate about, we will not shut up.  Ask me about Christianity and the arts.  Ask me about the importance of live theatre.  Ask me about Down Syndrome.  Ask me about orphans.  Ask me about introversion.  I promise that I will talk so much that you might wish you hadn't asked.  :)  

11) Please don't say "you're really quiet!" to a person you've just met.  Few things are more annoying, and there really is no way to respond to that.  I don't understand why that phrase is socially acceptable to say to a complete stranger while saying "you're really loud!" is considered rude.  

12) Don't ever, ever, ever tell an introvert to "try being more extroverted" or "try to be more outgoing".  This goes back to #1.  Introversion is a personality type, not an emotion, so it doesn't change.  Think about it.  You are literally asking me to change my personality, something I would never consider asking of you.  Frankly, it's insulting.  Imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed.  Most introverts will be polite and resist the urge to respond with sarcasm.  Some introverts will not resist that urge.  You have been warned.  

13) Introverts can do and have done a lot of things that you might consider "extroverted".  I, for example, am a theatre major.  I act and sing on a stage in front of people all the time. I love public speaking.  I'd much rather be in front of a crowd than in the middle of one, I guess.  Don't assume things about your introverted friends.  

14)  I love my extroverted friends.  I appreciate your personalities.  All I ask is for the same in return.  

I hope that this list has helped some of you understand where your introverted friends are coming from. :)  Basically, just remember that God created all our different personalities with a purpose.  Ultimately, the introverts and extroverts need each other and should celebrate each other's strengths.